Rediscovering Mary
I was recently invited to enter a short story contest along with 75 other authors in San Diego through their regional library. My devotional is part of a showcase for local authors there so I was thrilled for the invite! I was allowed to publish the short story elsewhere so I thought I would share it here on my blog. If you read the most recent blog entry, this will sound familiar but I added some more details about my experience in Utila recently that I think you may all enjoy. God is doing so much in my life right now. But the biggest is this and I want to share it with you here.
I HAVE OFFICIALLY STARTED WRITING MY NEXT BOOK!
Yes! And I am so very excited! Right now the working title is “Rediscovering Mary: Learning to Dance in the Dark” and it will be my story of this next chapter in my life. I have made a lot of changes since all of this started; both internally and externally. Internally, God has done such a deep healing in me on that trip to Utila living in the house alone and isolated because of the location. I faced a lot of fears and opened up to God in a way that I didn’t think possible, honestly. I thought I had allowed Him to heal me completely after Bud’s death but this was on another level. The experience left me more in love with my Father than ever. I would not leave the house sometimes for 3 days, just lost in His presence. It came from a complete surrender on my part. People were asking me, both in Utila during the trip and in San Diego after returning, what had happened to me because I was literally glowing. It was amazing to me that this inner healing was starting to show on the outside.
Part of that change outwardly has come in some interesting ways. I have recently found my signature scent (it’s Black Opium Extreme which just fits me so well). I get compliments on it and it makes me feel confident and beautiful. I’ve been looking and testing scents for years and finally found it a few weeks ago. I found a lot of things in the last few weeks. I also found a fashion style that makes me feel like Mary. I’ve always been a bit bohemian in my style but have discovered the right mix that brings out my feminine side married with a bit of quirkiness that just fits me perfectly. It has strangely brought out a confidence in me that was unexpected. I walk differently. I don’t hang my head down as much. I know who I am and I like who I am.
I’ve adopted a lifestyle of movement again both through exercise and dance. I do some form of one of them every single day. Small changes that have added up to feeling the bold confidence that has been lost for a long time. Basically, what God did on the inside of me in Utila now can be seen on the outside. And I’m loving it! In my last blog, I shared that I was so excited to meet Mary; the one who I had lost when Bud died; the one who was left to discover herself again now that he is gone. And I discovered something. I want to live! I want to find this beautiful girl in all her glory, with all her faults and shortcomings. I want to find her as I start to travel to places I’ve only dreamt of. I want to discover her through new people and new experiences.
The good news is that I have met her. And I love her. I love her sense of humor. I love her confidence and humility all wrapped together that is unique. I love her creativity and compassion. There’s so much more to explore and learn about her but I am enjoying the journey!
But today I wanted to share this short story entry and hope that it blesses you!
Rediscovering Mary: Learning to Dance in the Dark (a short story)
As I walked out into the dark living room, my heart quickened. I had spent decades fighting against the fear of the dark; all its unknowns and threats waiting to overwhelm and destroy me. But that night, I walked bravely alone into the night with an anticipation I had never experienced before. Healing was waiting for me in the dark and I didn’t know it, but I felt it. To walk into the presence of a Holy God brings all your senses alive and I could hardly breathe. My Savior was waiting for me.
Without thinking, I turned on a beautiful haunting love song that I had found recently and put it on loud and on repeat. I couldn’t tell you why. It just felt right. And as I started swaying back and forth to the melody, eyes closed and heart open, I found her.
In the dark. I found her.
Life happens while you’re making plans. It goes by so quickly yet the days go by slowly and often painfully so. We wish for a difficult day to finally end only to start over again as the sun rises. This has been my reality the last few months. A longing, but for what? Oftentimes we don’t even know what our soul is longing for. Until we find it.
To understand my story, you must know that I’ve never lived alone. I met and married Bud at 17, barely out of high school. I’ve never been single as an adult. This new realization in my life has cost me dearly. I didn’t just lose Bud. I lost me. The girl who fell madly in love with her prince and married in high school was gone. She will never return. I’ve been trying so hard for the last 2 1/2 years to find her and bring her back. She’s all I’ve ever known. I don’t even remember my life before Bud. He was everything. My whole life was wrapped up in his love, his touch, his dreams and the beautiful life we had built.
When my husband of almost 40 years was suddenly gone, I was left empty and devastated. A fog of confusion and pain enveloped me for over 2 years. I kept repeated over and over again, “What am I going to do?” the night God brought him home. In an instant, my life was over. It would never be the same again. All our dreams were destroyed and hopelessness took a hold of me in a powerful way. Honestly, it scared me to feel this way. I was floating in open ocean; no rescue to be found. Seeing the pain in my son’s eyes and in the hearts of my daughter-in-law and our two beautiful girls was hard to bear.
So often I couldn’t face those that loved Bud because the pain I saw in their eyes was unbearable. I couldn’t fix this. You see, I fixed everything. I was the go-to girl in a crises. Even when I was told that Bud had a heart attack, nothing in me thought that morning was the last time I’d see his face and hear his voice or kiss his lips. Nothing prepared me for the moment the team of doctors walked out to where we were waiting, hoping and praying to tell us that there was nothing more they could do. Time stood still. My heart stopped and I fell to my knees. My first thought was “Jesus, take me too. Don’t leave me alone here without Bud. I won’t make it.” This couldn’t be happening. Not to him. Not to us. We beat the odds time and time again. There was nothing we couldn’t face together. Bud would dream and I would move heaven and earth to see that dream come to pass. He was the visionary. I was the doer. I fixed things. I stepped in during a crises, cool-headed and confident and made a way for it to work. I couldn’t fix this. He was gone. And with him, the girl that I’ve known all my life. She was gone too.
For months, I wandered around the house in a haze of anxiety meds and sleeping pills. There was no sleep for me. As the night would come, so would the dark. The thing I feared most. It was a constant and cruel reminder that I was alone. No one would hear me if I called out. No one was coming to my rescue. No one was going to hold my hand in the dark when the nightmares came. There were new ones now. I wasn’t being chased by someone sinister anymore. When I closed my eyes, all I saw was a dark abyss.
There was no coming back from this. There was no plan to make this right. No list to go down and check off to get things back as they were before. No texts from him telling me he was on his way home. No funny videos that he found. There was nothing but darkness.
Morning turned into night. Days turned into weeks and months and still the darkness stayed. Even when joy pierced through the dark, it was short-lived like delicate flowers that closed up as night approached.
In the house in Utila during this incredible time alone with God, one day I laid on my bed, trying to sleep and , I thought how nice it would be to have flowers from my new garden already blooming and decorating my house. And suddenly I heard the Father speak to me.
“The garden is you, my daughter. Blooms take time. Roots have to be allowed to grow in its new environment. The plants have been uprooted from their resting place and brought to a new home; new soil. Water has to given often so the leaves won’t wither in the heat of the day because their journey from their original home was not easy. Roots were exposed and shocked from being pulled unexpectedly from the only home its ever known. To be replanted somewhere new is not an easy journey for such a tender plant. The plant must be exposed to just enough sunlight to give breath to new blooms. Nearby bees must be allowed to pollinate and bring nectar from surrounding trees and flowers. All of this comes together to create something new. The old and the new creating something extraordinary.”
“I am creating something new in you, my beloved. New roots, new growth, new fruit and new influences that will shape and mold you. Like the bees in your new garden, your new life will bring sweetness from new people and places; experiences that have yet to be discovered.”
My heart was filled with the image of my new beautiful but simple garden and how much pleasure it has brought to my everyday life. But to now think of it as a symbol of my new chapter was overwhelming.
You see, the fear is gone. Hope has replaced confusion. Light has replaced the darkness. Even in the darkest night, there is no longer fear. There is stillness now. Contentment instead of striving. Adventures beckon and create excitement. As I sit on my swing and write all of this furiously in my notebook, the wind picks up and starts swirling around my head. My hair is free, curls blowing madly around my face in the wind. I close my eyes, not wanting to miss anything in this magical moment. I heard birds singing as their wings soar on the wind. The trees are making a wonderful sound as the leaves and branches sway back and forth. Crickets are joining in this beautiful, unexpected symphony. And I smile knowing that He is near.
The locals say the East Wind blowing like this is way too early this year. But I know the truth. He who created the wind has brought just in time for my arrival.
My thoughts go to the tiny pine tree that I planted in the backyard in Bud’s honor. He loved pine trees so much. I picture how beautiful it will be when it’s grown to fill its branches with lights and hanging flower pots. My mango tree is also planted nearby. I can taste the sweet fruit it will produce in a few years on that perfect summer afternoon. Even though I can’t have it now, like me, God is preparing that fruit for just the right moment. Like me, its roots are going deep down and growing in secret. But I’m not hidden from my Creator, the One who planted me. The One whose plans for my future are written in His book. Every word, every page is waiting to be fulfilled; to be lived and to be discovered. Fragrant blossoms in the making, waiting to be released. And fruit that will produce for generations. My children’s children and their children will swing from its branches and have picnics in the shade of its leaves.
As I lift my hands in that holy moment, I am left breathless and amazed. All of my senses are piqued. The only word that comes to mind is Selah. Pause and consider.
My future is here and now. Let’s begin…
