Dancing in the Dark

Life happens while you’re making plans. It goes by so quickly yet the days go by slowly and often painfully so. We wish for a difficult day to finally end only to start over again as the sun rises. This has been my reality the last few months. A longing, but for what? Oftentimes we don’t even know what our soul is longing for. Until we find it.

In the home that I built on my island, I finally found it.

When I arrived, there was still so much to be done for the house and the ministry that I want to start here. Running around town, calling people, setting appointments with various workers. It’s difficult when you’re used to being in control and independent and then not knowing how things work in a foreign place. I realized that my body was taking the brunt of this pace and I finally relinquished and rested.

To understand my story, you must know that I’ve never lived alone. I met and married Bud at 17, barely out of high school. I’ve never been single as an adult. This new realization in my life has cost me dearly. I didn’t just lose Bud. I lost me. The girl who fell madly in love with her prince and married in high school was gone. She will never return. I’ve been trying so hard for the last 2 1/2 years to find her and bring her back. She’s all I’ve ever known. I don’t even remember my life before Bud. He was everything. My whole life was wrapped up in his love, his touch, his dreams and the beautiful life we had built.

Where is she? When will she be back? Why can’t I find her and end this pain of longing?

And very early one morning, in the dark, I met her.

Without thinking, I turned on a beautiful love song with a haunting melody and long before the sun came up, I started to dance. Round and round, moving with the rhythm of the music, eyes closed and heart open.

I can’t adequately explain what happened and some of it I will keep locked in my heart for just me but I felt my Savior’s presence. I know when He’s near. I know His voice. How my heart skips a beat and my breath quickens. He was there with me as I danced in the dark. I also realized there were things that needed to be said.

I poured out my heart and soul to Him as I’ve never done before. Words tumbled out of my mouth that I didn’t know I had locked deep inside me since Bud left this world. Words of deep pain. Words of turbulence pouring out from a place I had locked away. I couldn’t stop them if I tried. And I was tired of trying. Words flowed like an never ending river and when it was over, I was left exhausted, hoarse and free.

Then I took my first deep breath in years. It was no ordinary breath. It was the frantic gasp of a women drowning and finally coming up to the surface. As I sat on the floor, my head in my hands, I breathed deeply again for the first time. My shallow empty breaths no longer holding back the pain that threatened to overtake me. Long. steady, deep breaths.

In the quiet of that moment, the storm inside stopped raging.

Then He spoke to me, His daughter, His beloved, these words:

“Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. They will be a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It doesn't fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”

God first spoke those words to Jeremiah but that day, they were for the girl sitting in the dark.

I am that tree. I have trusted and put my confidence in the Lord even in the deep anguish of my soul. My roots go down deep. Unmoveable. Unafraid when the wind blows and the drought comes. It’s important to know that He didn’t say He would keep me from experiencing drought. He promised I’d never face it alone.

I found her in the dark. She is a mystery to me honestly. What is she like? What moves her? What drives her? What makes her heart laugh? All things I can’t wait to find out. I long to spend time with her and ask her these questions and thousands more.

The beautiful tree in the picture stands outside my window. Strong and tall. I’ve watched it dance at night as the porch light illuminates it. Like my Beloved, it stands as a sentry beside me. So close I can almost touch it from my window. Even as I write, it’s branches dance up and down in the wind. Its delicate red fruit bringing color to my life even in the dark.

I go to sleep each night now with the anticipation of tomorrow. But I don’t need to wait until the sun comes up. I can always just dance in the dark…