Facing Your Fears

At the time of this writing, this day marks 9 months since my husband passed away. These time markers are so incredibly hard that I try to stay busier than usual on those days. Inevitably, the days leading up to those markers, I can feel the heaviness falling. Honestly there have been times when I didn’t even realize what was wrong but somehow my heart did.

 I’ve wanted to share with you for some time now, dear readers, about something that happened several months ago.

 The day that Bud died, he was going to give blood at a local blood bank, which he did on a regular basis. The blood bank is in an area that I have to pass through often to get to my house; so is the hospital that he was brought to where I said my goodbyes. As you can imagine, I was having regular anxiety attacks every time I passed through this area; some worse than others. So I decided that it was time to face that fear.

 I have to say that it was God who placed this thought on my heart because I had no intention of ever going to that blood bank. But the thought that dropped into my mind was that I needed to thank the people who were there that afternoon and I needed very much to face my fear.

 Before I knew what I was doing, I sent an email to the office, asking if I could come by to talk to whoever was there that day. The response was quick and overwhelming. The words that the director used was in accepting my request was that it was time not only for me but time for the two nurses that were with Bud to heal.

 If you know me at all, my heart suddenly put my pain on the back burner and wanted so much to meet these ladies and help them heal.

 The day that I was to go to facility was a hard one but I was looking forward to meeting them. I was brought to an office for privacy and was greeted by two of the most amazing women. A little at a time, they told me the events of that day, filling in the gaps of what was not understood by me with all the commotion. My mistaken beliefs of those events were replaced by the truth. Bud was not alone, he had not collapsed on the floor and he was not in pain. I felt a release in that moment and the three of us sat there and just cried and cried. I also had not understood that even after the paramedics came, Bud never regained consciousness. The last people to see him alive were these two amazing women and when they realized that I didn’t know that, they burst out in tears all over again.

 They held his hand, they told me, and they talked. He even smiled a bit but they were there the moment that God brought my Bud home. They said they had never witnessed such peace at a moment like that. And then one of them said how grateful she was that I came when I did because she was moving to Pennsylvania to work in a cardiac unit. She was moving three days later. And in that moment, God gave me the strength to speak over her a blessing for her next journey that visibly moved her. I would have missed that opportunity had I resisted what I knew was God’s prompting.

 I will never begin to explain how powerful that time with them was for me and for them. I think I said “thank you” about 100 times. There were no words to describe what they had done for me. They were there at the end when I couldn’t be. They held his hands and spoke in quiet voices and watched my Bud leave this world. How could I ever thank them for being there for him?

 Have you ever felt God’s prompting? You may not have even realized it was God. But it’s distinct and clear. Even if you think “aw, it’s just me not God”, make that call, send that text or go and do what you feel prompted to do. It can mean something powerful for you and definitely for the person you reach out to.

 Like I mentioned, I have wanted to share this with all of you for no other reason then to challenge you to move out of your comfort zone and face those things that you feel are holding you back. To challenge you to let God guide you through this journey of life and see what incredible things He has for you to do and to receive. Knowing the missing details of that day were painful and overwhelming but they also brought peace. And it did my heart so good to bring healing to those two beautiful women as well. They had been hoping for months to find us and see how we were but had no way to do it. But God had made a way.

 Has God been pursuing you, dear reader? Have you been feeling like there is something He wants you to do but it’s so hard to imagine doing? I can promise you that if you obey and follow Him, you will not regret it.

 Even in my weakest moments, God has given me supernatural strength to face the fears that have held me back. I don’t do it every time. I wish I could say that I do. But the times that I do are powerful. Because I faced my fears, I can now drive through that area on the way home and breathe a prayer of gratitude. Gratitude to the One who prompted me and gave me the strength to walk into that building and to the two women who chose to do, as they described, something that they would have wanted someone to do for their family member.

 Fear is not of God. It never is so if we are to live fearless lives, we must live with God by our side. He is my shield and my fortress. A safe place that I can go to when fear strikes my heart and threatens to overtake me. God walked into that building with me that day as He has walked with me all of my life. Even though I was weak, He could shout “NO!” to the enemy of my heart when fear struck as I walked in. He could wrap His mighty arms around me and protect me from all that tried to come against me. Fear had to bow to His authority over my life.

 A friend said to me recently that they admire my strength but I reminded her that if it were left to me, I would still be in bed nine months later. But when I look back at all that I have accomplished and had to face, things that very few know about, I am in awe of what God has done and been in my life.

 Do you read these words today and say, “I wish I had that?” You can, my friend. You can right this very moment. Surrender has such a bad connotation as if you are declaring that you are too weak to win. Surrendering to God is the most powerful thing that you can do because He can open doors, fight your battle and give you strength that you could not have imagined because you’ve given authority over your life to your Savior.

If this is you today, would you pray along with me?

Jesus, I realize now that I can’t do this on my own. I want to control how my life plays out but I see now that You are the only One who can truly lead me. You see my beginning from my end. All of my days are written in Your book, as Psalm 139 says. Where can I go that You will not follow? I can see that You have been pursuing me for years and today I want to make the decision to surrender my life to You. I believe that You are the Son of God, my Savior who died and came back, all because You loved me. You see me, You choose me. Today I am Yours. Amen.

My prayer is that you have invited Jesus to walk beside you, to lead and guide you today and every day from now. It will change your life as it has mine.

Until next time…