Releasing The Pain

Can I be transparent, maybe even a little vulnerable with you, dear readers? I’ve been struggling a lot since I wrote my last blog. Have you ever given great, solid and heartfelt advice to someone but then refuse to put it into action yourself? That’s where I’ve been for several months. Trying to be strong is exhausting especially when grief is involved. My counselor gently warned me that grief is unbelievably fatiguing. Everything, even simple daily chores, takes all my will to achieve.

I came to the realization that I’ve been holding in the grief for many reasons. Fear, pride and avoidance among other things, has forced me to keep pushing the grief down further and further. Fear of losing control and never coming back from it if I give myself completely to accepting what has happened. Pride that tells me the lie that if I, the ever strong one, show my pain to others, it will hurt them even more than they already are because of the loss of Bud. And avoiding the work of healing from the grief. Truth be told, the realization that Bud is not here is just starting to truly settle into my heart and mind after 8 months. It still takes my breath away; still causes my heart to skip several beats when I say the words out loud.

 But God created our incredible bodies to keep us from getting to a breaking point by making it very clear that something is not functioning the way it should. The warning signs are there if we will listen and pay attention. I have forced my body to hold in the grief, push down the pain, pretend that I’m doing alright until it couldn’t take anymore. My body started to make it abundantly clear that it couldn’t continue on this way and it began to make sure it got my attention. Anxiety and panic took over. Months of insomnia and suppressed grief took its toll and I couldn’t ignore what was happening anymore.

 I won’t go into the details but in a very significant way, my body started to shut down systems one by one. I had pushed away those closest to me and made excuses to not see my counselor for reasons that are not even clear to me. But my mind and body rebelled and I was forced to listen. When I saw my incredible counselor yesterday, she gave me homework that I promised her I would do daily. Today was day one and it was unbelievably difficult.

 I started by writing a list of the things I have lost when Bud passed away. By the second one, I could feel the release valve open up and the months of trying to pretend that I was ok and could handle this, was opened up. It was as if I had let the floodgates open. It was painful and heart wrenching but afterwards, there was relief. She suggested that I set a timer and that way my fear that if I did this, I’d never be able to stop crying and I’d lose the battle of control. It allowed me to hold on to some kind of control knowing that when that timer went off, I could take a breath, close my journal and know that for today, that was enough.

Why do I share all of this with you? Because I believe with everything in me that some of you could use this challenge right now and it could change your life. I think about the busy moms, both stay-at-home as well as those who work outside the home, and how the battles of the day are pushed down and ignored. You feel in control of all of those emotions…until you don’t. Maybe your list would be different from mine but I’ve always believed that writing in some sort of journal is a powerful way to work through things.

For me personally, crying is a release valve that always brings about peace. And laughing hysterically does the same. I’ll take either one. Honestly the laughing is one of top five things I miss most about my Bud. No matter how hard the day may have been, somehow he always made me laugh.

My counselor described what I was doing to myself by having me imagine layers. We had gone through so much to get to start this new adventure and new life in California; layer upon layer of struggle and hardship. She reminded me of all of those layers over the last 3-5 years that I’ve shared with her. And on top of all of that, a loss as significant as this one. It would be enough to weaken the strongest of people. And a truth that settled into my heart and mind today that has been said to me by multiple people is that Bud would not want this for me. And it’s so true. He would hate what I’ve been doing to myself. He would want me to ask for help, to admit that I couldn’t and didn’t ever need to feel like I had to do this on my own.

Women and men deal with these things differently, I believe. Women need to multitask especially in their family life and we pride ourselves in the ability to do this well. If there were a multitasking division on the Olympics, I’d win gold every single time. It’s a way of life for me. Today I was in the car, getting my granddaughters lunch, (trying to be patient with the teenager taking my order at In ‘n Out because my bougie girls want their burgers a certain way) as well as talking to several family members back-to-back, all while headed back to the church to figure out a technical issue with my computer, and using the time that I was in that long line to check emails and pay a bill.

But it takes its toll on us mentally, physically and emotionally. Our inevitable and sudden outbursts at home is because we have gotten to the point where you can’t take on one more thing; the balls you’ve been juggling are about to come crashing down. Maybe for some of you it’s taking care of aging parents while still raising teenagers at home. Or maybe you’re a busy professional trying to make your own way in corporate America or a business owner that constantly feels the struggle and weight of responsibility.

Whatever place you find yourself in, whatever stage in life, just know that at some point, a release is needed. The warning…if we don’t allow times of release, a breakdown of some kind is coming. It may look different for you then it does for me. It could cause chronic headaches, digestion issues, sleep problems. It may not be a panic attack but maybe its anger and irritability.

The good news is that the needed release can be something that takes as little as 10 minutes and can be as easy as a walk around the block with music that feeds your soul. It could be a swim, a run, lunch with a close friend, watching your favorite movie, a long soak in the tub, time in prayer or worship to God or just being alone and quiet. The truth is you owe it to yourself and frankly, to those around you, to make this a priority. Don’t wait until the layers are about to give way. Adopt it into your daily life and you will find the grace needed to face the challenges of your life.

My prayer is that this will be just what you needed to hear today and that you will find a way to make time for you, your mental and emotional and spiritual health. You are worth it, dreamers!