Hope Restored

The Holocaust survivor and Nobel Peace Prize winner, author Elie Wiesel, said these powerful words.

 “Just as man cannot live without dreams, he cannot live without hope. If dreams reflect the past, hope summons the future.”

 I came across this quote this week and it stopped me in my tracks. I have written about how we can dream big but I realize that without hope, our future is diminished.

 For the last year I have been on a journey. My husband, my best friend, the love of my life and the only man who made me laugh every day, suddenly entered Heaven with no warning. I have walked through the feelings of abandonment, anger, despair and pain like I have never known. And yes, hopelessness.

 I have heard so many loving friends comment on my strength but inside I was just walking through life, numb and cold. I didn’t feel strong. I don’t feel strong. I feel as if the ground can open up and swallow me at any moment. And I have wished so many times that it would, honestly.

 But something wonderful happens when hope is restored.

 I have held my son, my granddaughters, my daughter-in-love, my family and friends as they have mourned with me this past year. But it has been the pain in my granddaughter’s eyes that has broken me more than anyone else besides my son. When they whisper, with tears in their eyes, “I want my Papa” I want to tear heaven and earth apart to give them what they desire. And it’s because of them that I have fought through this darkness to find my hope again. Because I realize that if I don’t, they will lose more than just their precious grandfather.

Hope.

Such a tiny word that holds a powerful truth. Proverbs 13:12 says this:

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.”

 Hope that is deferred, put off, delayed makes the heart sick. Oh how I know this to be true. Even as a believer I have struggled with hopelessness. Nothing made sense when Bud passed. Absolutely nothing. As if the pain and numbness, confusion and disappointment were not enough, a feeling of hopelessness settled deep into my heart and mind. Do I know better as a believer? Of course. Do I know that I will see Bud again? Yes, I do. Does that knowledge ease the pain of dark, lonely nights that never seem to end? No. Until I realized that I had given up more than just my hope. I had given up all the power I have as a child of God to the enemy of my soul, to this broken world.

Then this thought kept coming to me and bringing light into my darkness. Bud would not have wanted this for me. He would not have wanted to see me like this. Of course, grief would need time to walk through but hopeless. No way. He would have wanted so much more for me. He would have taken me by the shoulders, looked deep into my eyes and told me to dream again; to breathe again; to hope again. You see, it was Bud who came up with the name of my blog because he would say it to me when I would feel defeated. Dream big, Mary!

Hope.

The other thought that finally broke through the darkness was that my two beautiful girls needed to see that I had not given up. I wrote in this blog many many months ago that one of my strongest desires was for my girls to see me as brave, fearless. God knew what He was doing when He orchestrated for us to all live together the last several years. I can’t hide from their eyes that are watching how I have navigated this grief journey. They have learned that they can cry, scream, talk, laugh about their Papa. My oldest granddaughter somehow sensed that this past week or so was hard leading up to the one-year anniversary and wrote a note that she placed in my journal. She said she loved me and that she knows that I miss Papa. In her own sweet way she was validating my feelings as I have done for her so many times. She has a heart as big as the sky. My youngest was only 3 when her Papa went to heaven and her young heart just can’t understand so it’s been important for me to tell her over and over again that Papa didn’t want to leave, that he loved her more than life.

I have found hope again. I have even been able to dream a bit. Bud would be so incredibly happy for me. He would want this for me. Miraculously, a year has gone by and I’m still standing. That has amazed me more than anything because I was absolutely sure my broken heart wouldn’t make it through the first night. And yet I am here.

That verse in Proverbs says a dream fulfilled is a tree of life. I now know what that feels like. I feel like a tree planted by a stream with roots that have pushed down deep as it has weathered storms that threatened to topple it. A tree of life. A tree of hope. A tree of dreams. And that stream is God, my ever present Father. As the pain has eased and my anger towards Him has subsided, I can see so clearly His handprint in so many areas leading up to this season, as well as His love during it.

So my prayer is that my girls will see me as that tree; strong and brave and resilient and dependent on God.

What hope is it that you need restored or strengthened today, my dear readers? I pray that God’s powerful word and my simple but honest words can bring strength and restore hope to your heart. Without it, we cannot survive. My prayer is that the Father, the author of hope, fills your life right now in this moment.

Hope summons the future.

I’m ready to walk into that future. Will you join me?