Opening Old Wounds
After prayer and deep soul searching, I decided to share an event in my life that will hopefully begin some much needed conversation. Although it opened some old wounds, my deepest desire is that this will help even one person who is walking through a similar dark time.
When I was about 13 years old, my family moved from Brooklyn to the suburbs of New Orleans. There were no schools in our area that I could attend for junior high and high school, which meant I’d have to take the subway alone. That was an option my parents wanted to avoid at all costs so they made the move across the country and into an unknown city. This was not a decision they made lightly as we had to leave family and friends that were our support system. They had done this once before when they moved us from our home in the Caribbean to Brooklyn when I was 5 years old, also to afford us better opportunities. Neither was an easy decision and both came with its consequences.
As for the move from Brooklyn, well my sheltered 13 year-old-heart never recovered from it.
In my attempt to fit in to my new environment where friends were scarce and bullying was a day-to-day occurrence, I caved to peer pressure and began experimenting with things I never dreamed I would. I was broken and ashamed in every way possible. So much so that I found myself at about 15 years old, in my parents’ bathroom in their medicine cabinet holding a bottle of pills, wanting to end the constant pain in my heart. It was frightening to think that my young heart could even consider such a thing but I was so tired of feeling worthless.
I think that was the first time I truly felt God’s presence. To be honest, I don’t remember if I cried out to God that day in my parent’s bathroom. But I believe that my broken and tender heart cried out to Him from somewhere deep inside me, even though I had no idea that I could or that He would hear me. I can’t explain it but when I put the unopened bottle of pills back in their place, something had changed.
My parents raised us in church but it was just something we did on Sunday, not something we lived daily. But after that day, I continually felt something change in me. There was a presence that was not there before. There was something deep inside me that longed for a purpose, longed for something more. And the God of this universe, the One who strung the stars in the sky, who created the beauty of the oceans and mountains, answered that cry.
I started to feel Him tugging at my heart. I can remember driving around in my friend’s car, wasted but looking up to the night sky and hear Him whispering His love to my heart. It’s hard to put into words but I heard Him whisper “Come to me. I love you.” How could this be? How could a Holy God want this broken, shame filled teen that didn’t want to live anymore? I wasn’t sure that it was even God. Mostly I thought I was just hallucinating and wanted it to be God. But how could it be? It just wasn’t possible. And that’s when I met my husband to be.
We were 16 and 17 when we met at a party. It was pretty much love at first sight and not long after that he invited me to his church. He didn’t go regularly but what we didn’t know then but are sure of now, God had been calling him as well. I’ve asked him what prompted him to invite me to church that day but he has no idea. But I found myself saying yes. That night changed the trajectory of our lives forever.
We heard a message about how the God who created all things wanted a personal and intimate relationship with each of us. That the things we had done were forgiven at the cross and all that we needed was found in Him. I’m not sure who made it up to the altar first but we found ourselves, on our knees, broken but hopeful that this preacher was telling the truth. I walked in that night hopeless and left there free. Thirty-six years later, through ups and downs, dark times and joyful times and in some seasons through hell and back, still free.
He is no longer some far off angry God who wants to punish me when I sin but a loving Father that reaches out when I fall and then corrects me so I can grow. Jesus is not some benevolent figure in history but my living and powerful Savior who became like me so that He could cover my sins past, present and future and a reigning King who is powerful and mighty. He defeated death and the grave and He lives in me. He fills up all those empty places in my heart and in my life. His Holy Spirit guides me when I lose my way and reminds me of who I am when I start feeling like that 13 year-old.
My husband and I were married less than a year after we met, just a few months after this incredible salvation experience. And as I wrote about in my last blog, I went into my young marriage expecting that he would be my source. But what I discovered through the years is that those empty parts of my life that I thought could be filled with other people could only be filled by the One who created me. He is my only true source that I have had to return to, time and time again.
Dear reader, have you ever felt the way I did back so many years ago? Are you feeling like that right now? Nothing breaks my heart more than reading about these precious young teens taking their lives because of bullying or prominent public figures ending their lives due to depression that they didn’t share with even their loved ones. Suicide has personally touched my family and I, forever changing our lives. Not seeing the pain in my family member’s life will be a regret I will live with for the rest of mine, especially since I knew that pain so well. God has healed that area of my heart but the scars remain. And honestly, I don’t want God to heal the scars. I have lived my life since that event so many years ago, striving to slow down the heavy pace of my life to ask questions and check in with those that I love; to be present and listen more than I talk.
But the fact is, even the best family member or friend can miss the signs. We can all cover up our pain and mask our hidden hurts and struggles so well that those around us can’t see that something is wrong. But there is One that sees it all. The Bible says He sees when you rise and when you lay down; He knows your thoughts and words before they are spoken; He knows every hair on your head and every breath you will take. He is there with you in those dark times if you will reach out to Him. In those places that feel too heavy to bear, He can carry you.
But if the idea of a personal relationship with God is still so foreign for you to grasp and believe, then I beg you, reach out to someone. Today. Reach out before the pain or hurt feels too much to bear and ending it seems the only way out. There are people around you that can’t see past the strained smile you put on every day. It’s a lie that if they cared, they would see. They are human, just like you, and get caught up in the busyness of life. Reach out to a friend, a family member or a professional. Your life is worth more than you can ever imagine. You are here for a reason, for a purpose. There is no one quite like you. And you’re needed because no one can do the things you can. Don’t believe the lies that no one cares or that you won’t be missed. Take it from someone who longs for just one more hour, one more minute with my loved one who thought these things. I would tell him, as I would tell you right now in this moment…you are loved, you are cherished, you are important to me. I miss his laugh, his love of music, the way he loved his family. But mostly I would tell him how very sorry I am that I wasn’t there when he needed me most. And I promise you, dear reader, that those same things and much more would be said to you if your friends and family knew how you truly felt. Reach out. Reach out today. As I look back over my life, I see the beauty in my life. My loving husband, my precious son, my granddaughters that light up my life, a family that loves me deeply and truly and friends who are always there for me. Tears are flowing right now as I think of what I would have missed out on had I chosen wrongly back so many years ago. Sweet friend, there is hope and there is a future filled with more beauty than you can imagine.
Listen for God’s voice. He is calling to you daily. Listen for the whispers, for those unexplained events that point you to Him. May you come to know the unsurpassing love of this Savior. Let Him heal your broken places, wipe away your shame and complete you. You have only but to whisper His name, Jesus, and He is there. When you do, your life will never be the same again.
