My Husband Doesn't Complete Me
Whoa! I know that’s a provocative title and you’re wondering if Bud will be looking for an attorney soon, but I promise, it’s ok!
Having gotten married at 17 and 18, we went into this relationship with certain expectations and assumptions. Let’s just say that for both of us, trying to stay pure until that wedding day was a challenge. So once the preacher told us to say, “I do” we started our lives together in hopes that those expectations and assumptions would turn into reality.
For me, I dreamed of romantic evenings, candlelit talks where we shared our deepest thoughts, dates that didn’t need to end with tears because we didn’t want to be apart for even a moment. For him, it was, ahem, no more cold showers! And not that these were the only things we wanted, but we didn’t think past the honeymoon and that was a big hurdle to climb.
But the truth is, neither of those things happened exactly as we had envisioned it. I’m a hopeless romantic and between rom-coms, Hallmark movies and Nicholas Sparks novels, nothing moves me more than the angst between two people falling in love, being pulled apart and ending up back together in the end with a tearful, breathless vow to love one another until the end of time. Heavy sigh.
Because of so many missteps with guys in my teen years, I dreamed of a prince riding in on a white horse, declaring his undying love for me, defending my honor and picking me up with one mighty hand and whisking me off into the sunset. I wanted my prince to complete me. But I found out soon enough that this just wasn’t the case. And I was crushed. Even more than that, I felt abandoned, disappointed and unwanted.
In their books, Captivating and Wild at Heart, John and Staci Eldredge, talk about those expectations. Most, if not all, women need to know that they are worth fighting for. Alternately, men need to know that they are more than enough. Honestly, if I had read both these books in the beginning of my marriage, I really believe that things would have been very different. And I do recommend that you and your spouse read BOTH because I learned more about the inner workings of a man in the Wild at Heart book then anything I’ve ever read.
To ask someone to complete you is to ask them to be everything that you’re not, to fulfill all the longings of your heart, to fill all the gaps from childhood and beyond, heal all the wounds, play the part of all the types of people that you need in your life. In a word, it is completely unfair to ask such a request of one person. The pressure to be all those things to me caused undue harm and stress on our young married life. With the grace of God, as we walked through those challenges, it made us dig deep and decide if we wanted to make this marriage last. In all honesty, both us were at the brink of giving up more times than we care to admit. But dig we did. But it was hard. And no, this was not the only area that we fought about throughout our 36 years together, but it was the underlying cause of so many misunderstandings and hurts.
So what or who completes you? If you haven’t already realized as you read my blogs, the answer to that question is my intimate relationship with God. Now I know that many of you reading this either disagree or aren’t sure what that looks like but in my life, it’s the bedrock to all that I am. But it certainly wasn’t always that way. When I realized that what I was asking of Bud was unfair and unattainable, I turned then to my own strength. Yeah..how’s that working for you, Mary! I once again returned to my “I don’t need anybody” attitude, something I had developed to hide behind hurts over the years. It was my slogan that I wore like a tattoo across my chest. No one was going to hurt me again. No one was going to be allowed inside. And then I realized that I didn’t even know how to fill all my voids. I needed people, desperately.
Now for full disclosure, I LOVE being alone. Like, it’s one of my favorite things in the world. But I can’t stay there because I was created for relationship. I don’t WANT to stay there. I’d love to expound on this in another blog post because there is something so right about being able to be alone with yourself. But we need people. And we need different types of people to fill those voids. I need my girlfriends that love me no matter what my house looks like, no matter what I look like and more importantly, that I can say anything to. And I mean anything! No judgment, no legalistic reactions to my freak-outs and meltdowns. I also need those who can speak truth into my life and bring clarity when I need it. There’s a need to have those in my life who can cultivate my talents and push me outside my comfort zone. I need them all. And for some of us, those are all embodied in one or two friends. If your spouse embodies all of these traits, you are a man or woman most blessed!
The truth is, Bud and I have learned to be a little of those things to each other as we built a relationship through the years that was grounded in trust and understanding. I’ve learned to take his criticism without feeling crushed. He is now the person I go to when I need a swift kick in the pants. A recent conversation went something like this, “Buddy, my jeans are getting tight and I don’t know why?!” Now a girlfriend would say “Girl you look good in those jeans!” But at that moment I needed truth. Bud’s response was “Um, you’ve been snacking day and night lately, Mary. That’s probably why.” And he was right. 100% on the nose. But if he had said that to me 25 years ago, I would’ve gone into a deep dark hole and snuck a whole cheesecake in there with me! What’s the difference? Time. Time to build trust that he has my best at heart. That he loves me and isn’t trying to hurt me.
Girlfriend, let me end this by saying that next blog post will expound on this more but for now, let me tell you. There is One who can complete you. And He would say to you right now, just as you are, you are loved, you have a greater worth than you can imagine and you are beautiful in every way! And oh yes, yes, a thousand times yes..you are SO worth fighting for!
