I was having a conversation with some female friends recently about the difference between men and women. All were married with children but were all different ages, as well as stages in life. But the consensus was the same. Most women feel the pull to meet the needs of others before themselves and multitasking is the only way to accomplish all that each day brings. We all agreed that at the end of the day, although we were exhausted, our minds could not be stilled. The thoughts of all that was still to be done the next day or what we didn’t get accomplished that day, stole our rest. I have friends who are about to become a mom for the first time, concerned about the same thing. And earlier in the week a friend confessed that she felt like the whole world was on her shoulders

How do we, as women, find balance in our life without losing ourselves in the process?

Thousands of books have been written on this subject and I’ve read a few of them over the years. I’ve come to the conclusion that the answer to this is the same as the answer to the question, “how do I lose weight for good?” You need to find a way that works for you individually. There’s no one-size-fits-all way to find balance because what works for me won’t work for you because my life is so very different from yours, for many obvious reasons.

When I was still living in New Orleans, I didn’t have the responsibility of young children as I do now, so even though I worked three jobs, when I did have time to myself, it was just that. I’m a morning person so I found that having time alone with God in the early morning set the foundation for the rest of my day. My work schedule dictated when there would be pockets of time during the day and it was in those times that I made choices what I would accomplish, whether it was starting dinner ahead of time, reaching out to a family member or just getting quiet and still for a few minutes. But my life looks very different now that I’m caring for my young granddaughters. And such is life. There are seasons that change the way our days are spent. What worked for me in my 20s would never work now in my 50s. Life is different. Obligations are different. That’s just the way its. Your life may look similar to one of these descriptions. Or it may not look anything like these at all. You may get your energy in the evening and find that you can accomplish more after your children are in bed.

If you try to force your life to fit into someone else’s mold, you’ll only become frustrated and feel like you failed what seemed to be a great system for others. You have to take stock of your life’s rhythms and find ways to set aside time to rest, time to dream and time to do the things that bring inspiration and joy. Marie Kondo would approve!

Discover what fills your proverbial bucket. It’s also important to identify the things that drain you? We all feel the weight of responsibility daily and some days the weight feels unbearable. When you experience anxiety for a prolonged period of time or you begin to lose interest in the things that bring you joy, know that your body and mind are sending you clear signals that you must pay attention to. If you continue to push through them without stopping to rest and heal, you’ll do damage not only to your body but also to your mind and spirit as well. But the hard truth is some days, there may be no sense of balance and you have to accept that fact. Just know that you can’t let that go on for long periods of time.

You may finally find a way to create space in your life for you to sit and discover, only to have those plans postponed because of a sick child or family member. Such is life, as they say. But we can still try to make those moments happen. When my son was young, my time alone with God was during the ride from his school to my workplace. And I found that giving up my lunch hour with co-workers, not only saved me money but also afforded me that time alone out a park, to just sit quietly and think and plan. Turn off the TV and the radio, put down your phone and practice being alone. I say practice because we are so prone to surrounding ourselves with sound, images and technology that we find it hard to be alone or quiet or unplugged. Take my word for it; your newsfeed on social media will still be there in an hour!

If music brings you joy or peace or just elevates your mood, use that as a way to escape your daily routine for just a little while. Turn the music up loud in your car while driving alone like I do. And yes, I do scare my fellow California drivers. I don’t feel bad about that. They scare me daily! Whether it’s going for a run, a swim, sketching or knitting, reading or gardening or just a simple nap! Get some fresh air or meet a friend for coffee or learn a new language. Just do it! Make it a priority. Schedule it just like you would any other important appointment.

Life may not always allow this as a daily practice but find ways to give yourself this gift of time. I believe that this is the beginning of finding balance. Once you make space in your life for these things, you’ll find that you have a little more energy and patience when you return to your responsibilities. You’ll also start to crave it more and will inevitably become more inclined to make it a priority. Don’t allow feelings of guilt to creep in because the fact is, you’re not only doing this for you, you’re also doing it for the people you love who depend on you. There is nothing selfish about needing to be alone and allowing your heart and soul to be filled once again after it has been emptied.

Believe me, dear reader, you need it and you are so worth it!