Welcome back to my blog, sisters or in Turkish..ablas! I know it’s been a long time coming and there’s so much that I want to share with you about what’s happened since the last time I wrote here!

I have continued to write my new book “Rediscovering Mary” but it’s been slow going. I write in big spurts, full of inspiration, and then I go weeks with none. I spent over 3 months in Utila this summer that started out with the passing of my sweet mother-in-law, followed by a summer filled with visiting family and friends. Long days at the beach, dinner parties, game nights, solo trips to special places, tears, laughters and everything in between. My precious family of 5 visited our house there for the first time and having it filled with music, laughter and conversation was the perfect ending to this incredible summer.

But there were some really tough times this summer as well. Several that brought me back to some dark spaces in my mind that I have just recently been able to process through and find my way out of. I honestly don’t know what I would do without my sister, my son and my counselor during these times. I realized so many more things about myself this summer. I found that there was still a lot of pain to process through, some of which literally took me out of my sanity for short periods of time. There was a mental break that happened over the last several months that left me feeling broken, all over again. But in reality, it wasn’t a revisit of those early days of grief like I assumed, but another summit of grief that I had to overcome. The climb was brutal but finding my way back down, I found a renewed strength that has propelled me into my next journey.

That’s the part of grief no one talks about. Two steps forward, ten steps back. Grief is not linear. You don’t face your anger, your guilt, your fears and so many many other emotions, once and done. They creep back up in ways you don’t expect and at times that take you by surprise and you feel like you’re starting all over again. I learned that this is not the truth. In these 3 plus years since losing the love of my life, I can look back at all the hills and mountains that I have climbed and marvel at what I have accomplished in spite of the pain. Maybe some, even BECAUSE of the pain.

On a recent walk on the beach date with my son, one of my best friends, I listened in awe as he recounted all that I had faced head on, all that has been accomplished, all the growth that he has seen in me over the last 3 years and it took my breath away, honestly. I thought he was surely talking about someone else. Me? I did those things?? Wait..hold up..yes! Yes, that WAS me! It was part of what brought me out of this last bout with despair. I believed the lies of the enemy who used my weakened condition mentally to hit me while I was vulnerable.

This happened last summer after my book launch in New Orleans and it lasted for almost 8 months. Somehow I believe the Lord said “not today, devil” and He intervened after just 3 months and said enough is enough. When He revealed to me what happened to start this new slide down into darkness again, it was just a matter of days before I was able to see light again. Lots of conversations with my closest friends, a weekend trip with a dear friend who is also a widow, opening up to my friends on my prayer team at church about what I was facing and lots of time with God, and I’m back. I can see clearly what happened, when it happened and what I was to do to regain peace and clarity.

There’s so much truth about bringing something you’re hiding in the dark from others and bringing it to light that uncovers the truth and allows the power the lie has to be diminished. Last year when I was going through my inner turmoil about feeling guilty that I was happy and excited about my future because of my dream of being an author being fulfilled, I hid it all from my family. I thought I could face this on my own. I believed the lie that everyone was tired of hearing about poor Mary, the widow and her pain. And it took close to a year to be brought back from that darkness. I’m so grateful that I reached out for help much much sooner this time around.

So I’m starting back here first before I write about this in my upcoming new book. This blog has been a way for me to connect with all of you but it’s also cathartic to share my life openly. I discover things about myself through this page. I love the vunerability of it. My journey back to myself consists of physically moving my body through exercise again as often as I can, reading poetry (my new passion), having my sister as an accountability partner that checks in often so I don’t hide for too long and delving into new territory with my grief counselor. I may write about that at a later date. Right now, I am preparing for what and how to honor Bud in the next few weeks on what would have been his 60th birthday. More on that to come.

But one of the things I’ve been encouraged to do during these heavy times of grief, is finding healthy distractions. For me, reading has been one of my favorite passions and pastimes. I can get lost in a good book or even a good movie and marvel at how it stays with me for weeks after. Like travel, I feel like I find pieces of myself in stories whether in movies or books. It has been a long time since I found a great novel to read though. I lost my taste for them and read mostly books on grief for the last 3 years. I realized that as helpful as they all were, I needed a break. I needed a story, a movie or series to take me away, make me forget for a little while, make me smile or cry or dream. Honestly, those type of stories, or movies, books are hard to find these days when it seems like Hollywood’s idea of a great love story, filled with drama, angst and passion was only written around raunchy storylines, verbiage and graphic nudity. I longed for a story to that took my breath away and made me believe in true love again. And that’s when a friend mentioned her love of Turkish series, dizis as they are called. Because of the culture, there was no language and no nudity but great dramatic storylines and passionate stories of true love. I didn’t look into them right away, as the thought of reading subtitles didn’t appeal to me and then I came across an IG reel about one of them (because IG and FB are listening to our conversations..so creepy). As I watched the reel, more came across my timeline and curiosity got the best of me.

Needless to say, 51 episodes later, I was hooked on a Turkish show called Erkenci Kus (Early Bird). A beautiful love story about a simple 25 year old beautiful young woman from a traditional Turkish mahalle (neighborhood where everyone knew each other and their business, kinda like Utila LOL), just discovering herself in the world of a big advertising agency, full of dreams of being a writer in far away places like the Galapagos islands. At her new job at the agency she inevitably fell in love with the handsome, charismatic boss who was a famous photographer who loved his freedom, much like an albatross, who loved globetrotting around the world and never wanting to settle down who was equally smitten with the young lady who swept him off his feet after a chance encounter in the dark with a kiss that neither knew who the other one was. I mean, seriously…I was a goner. They hooked me in from the very first episode with that kiss in the dark. Would they find out who the other one? If so, could their completely different backgrounds ever work as they found themselves falling in love? Would the cruel people around them allow them to follow their dreams?

I learned that Turkish shows are 2+ hours long so the 51 episodes were like 51 full length movies. There was love, angst, the protagonists finally getting together then torn apart by evil people more than one time throughout the series. But it was towards the end of the series that affected me more than I realized. The simple young girl from the mahalle had been through hell and back because of this great love that she eventually lost for a long period of time but during the worst of it, she faced being put in an psychiatric care facility for a short time but through it all, she got stronger and really found her voice. She finally made her dream of becoming an author come true and her book about their love went on to be a best seller. She did that on her own without her beloved Can, all while believing that she would be alone for the rest of her life, knowing she’d never be able to love another. She didn’t travel because of her book outside of Turkey because he had promised to show her the world. But even though she never left home, her dreams were always to travel the world with her true love.

Even her outward appearance and the way she held herself changed as she grew to know her own power and strength. The writers gave us a hurried but happy ending, as the show ran out of steam with the fans in Turkey but it fared better than most series that don’t get good ratings that just stop mid-storyline, so I was thankful for that. But Sanem’s (the young girl) story really spoke to me. I was almost embarrassed to say that to too many people because it seemed so childish in a way but then I realized over the last several months that a powerful story, like our own, has it’s own voice and will make a difference to those listening or watching. The story spoke to me. Her character, in a small way, gave me back my voice. I had already written and published my first book, Dream Big, Girl, but after watching this show, I realized that I had more to say and that’s when I started writing my 2nd and current book.

It’s hard even now to admit that here. A TV show, a Turkish TV show, inspired me to write again. But yes! It did and I’m so grateful for it! In her best selling book, Sanem described herself as a Phoenix, rising out of the ashes. A mystical figure from mythology about a bird that is burned over and over but refuses to give up, rising over and over again from the ashes. I was reminded of that verse in the Bible where God promises to bring beauty from ashes. I even wrote about it here and in my devotional. It’s been a love language verse between God and I and when I come across it even in a worship song, I am brought to tears about it’s significance. I thought about the women that have told me how my story has inspired them to go after a dream they have had for years and the realization of the power of our story.

I am that Phoenix. Being burned by grief and pain and loss and disappointment over and over again. When I think it’s over, the fire is stoked by memories or fear or the enemy’s lies and it starts all over again, each time wondering if this will be the one that will take me out for good mentally and emotionally. But I have something powerful living on the inside of me. God’s Spirit gives me the ability to rise, to roar, to push my way through the fire. And even though there are ashes, God promises alongside those ashes, there will be beauty.

So whether it’s a book of poetry, a song, a walk on the beach, the powerful words of God’s, a story or a movie or even a Turkish dizi, look for inspiration in your life. For me it’s always in nature and in words. They move me and shape me and help me to find pieces of myself. Those pieces are being put back together again. It’s opened me up to want to travel again. I now want to visit Istanbul to see the beautiful places there. I am planning a trip to Italy and Greece next year as I have dreamed about those places for decades. Next month, I’m visiting a friend/sister in Northern California to finally see the redwoods for the first time. There’s talk of maybe ziplining through them! There’s plans to see San Francisco’s Little Italy and eat crabs by the bay. I crave adventure these days. I want to feel alive and experience new things. I started learning how to swim the last few months, which has been on my bucket list for decades! One of my girl tribe is showing me how to face that fear and I’m so grateful for her patience and friendship. I actually swam across the pool, through the deep end and had absolutely no fear. It was a moment of triumph for me. We’re now talking about cliff jumping, something that she loves to do! And I look forward to so many others in the coming months. I’m ready to experience all that life has for me.

Some of my closest friends have asked me whether I’m ready to also experience love again. This is a hard subject to discuss here but I believe God is preparing me for that as well. And I share it because if that was part of His plan, I would want that to be a part of my story here as well. That’s all I can say for now as there is no one in my life presently but I have a feeling that He has plans that I can’t see or even believe right now in this moment is even possible. The things that would have to fall into place concerning my future is challenging and far beyond what I could think possible. I’m not sure how to even begin navigating that if it is indeed part of His plan for my life going forward but I have to believe that if it is, He will be able to open my heart up again to share all the love I have within me. And I have to believe that those who truly love me, will be able to do the same, including Bud. We always talked about what would happen when one of us would pass away before the other one and I know that we both felt strongly that the other’s happiness is all that was important. For now, God is my focus. He is my love, my husband, my partner in all areas of my life. If I were to find love again, it would only be because He has found a man whose heart beats for the same things I do. It’s hard to imagine, honestly, but He is a God of miracles.

So how does pumpkin spice lattes fit in with healing, Turkish dizis and all that has happened in the last 6 months? Well today it is currently in the low 70s here in San Diego. The windows are open, I can see the leaves on the trees starting to turn yellow and orange and the only thing I need right now in this perfect moment as I write is a warm pumpkin spice latte to get me in the mood for the coming fall weather. I absolutely love fall and like this new season in my life, I look forward to what it will bring. Today is a good day. I pray that my thoughts will bring you inspiration and hope. Or just want to have something with pumpkin spice in it. Either of it will make me happy to know my words brought you some joy.

Until next time, ablas..my sisters out there in the world! Keep dreaming big!