Hello again, my dear readers. I know it’s been a little while since I shared about the loss of my sweet Bud but I really wanted to share this with all of you.

 My incredible counselor, Paula, who has been a gift to me from God, asked me to do this exercise when I shared with her that I was struggling to find my way back into the intimacy that I shared for so many years with God. I haven’t turned my back on Him (how could I?) or denied Him. But it’s like having a really hurtful argument with a friend or loved one and trying to find a way to heal the hurt, trust again and open up your heart to them in more than a superficial way. In other words, I missed my Father. Desperately. I haven’t been able to find a way to speak to Him and hear from Him the way I’m used to. Until this week.

 This is deeply personal but I thought some of you might benefit from hearing this conversation between a daughter and Her Heavenly Father. The truth is, this is true of any relationship. Husband and wife, friends, siblings, family members. If you’ve had a falling away, a misunderstanding or a blow out, drag out fight and you’re hurt and angry. Spend some time writing down all the things you’re grateful for those people in your life. What good and wonderful memories have you shared? Have you forgotten how much they mean to you or what they have been in your life? Is it not time to forgive and ask for forgiveness so that love and trust can be restored? Do you not long for their presence in your life? I’m praying these words in my letter to God, my best friend and the lover of my soul, will create a desire in you to reach out and make amends.

Dear Father,

 First, I always want to bring you praise before I launch into all that is on my mind because You deserve all the glory for anything good in my life.

So thank You for Bud; for his love and the life we had together. I really believe with all my heart that You put us together so very young because You knew the end from the beginning. Talking to so many women my age, they are astounded at the life and love that we shared for almost 40 years. Truly it was lifetime of love. That perspective has shifted something in me; from anger to gratitude.

How can I be angry with a loving Father who gave that precious man to me for so many years? How can I not fall on my knees daily and thank You for the love we shared; for the memories, for how he believed in me? You created such a man just for me. Me with my shortcomings and insecurities. I know that You understand the grief that I feel; the anger, the bewilderment and You’re big enough to hold that, as Danny said at Bud’s memorial. We love You but we just don’t like You right now.

But this week that has changed. I’m in awe as I sit and watch videos and scroll through thousands of pictures of Bud and I and our families. The smiles of joy, the laughter, the adventures. How can I continue to be resentful of You taking my love home when You’ve given him to me to share so many incredible years? He was a gift. A gift from a loving Father who loves me with an everlasting love.

I am filling the emptiness with prayer and worship and going back to hearing Your voice daily. I am moving back into my prayer closet after those nights and days and hours of tears and there I am finding You again; hearing You again. You spoke to my heart this week a promise that I will hold onto. That my mourning would end; the hopelessness would cease and that You see my tears and hear my prayers; that I matter to you and so do our conversations. Bud would’ve wanted this for me. He would tell me to fight my way back into Your loving arms. He would encourage me to share Your love with all that I come in contact with. And he would want nothing more than for me to dream again.

So thank You, Father. Thank you for the love of my life that You have given me to hold for so many years that You now hold for eternity. I’ll see You both very soon.

Love, Your daughter,

Mary

As I close this blog, I’m praying for you, my readers, that you may draw closer to God as you prepare your hearts for Christmas. I pray that you’re hungry for more than just a superficial relationship with Him and are ready to dive deeper into His love. One of the ways that I do this is through worship. It brings me into His presence in a way that nothing else does. This song by Cody Carnes, Nothing Else, has done just that in this trying season. The simple but powerful words have moved me greatly and created a place for me to start my journey back into God’s arms. Merry Christmas to each of you and may the love of God shine brighter than ever before!

Nothing Else

I'm caught up in Your presence
I just want to sit here at Your feet
I'm caught up in this holy moment
I never wanna leave

Oh, I'm not here for blessings
Jesus, You don't owe me anything
More than anything that You can do
I just want You

I'm sorry when I've just gone through the motions
I'm sorry when I just sang another song
Take me back to where we started
I open up my heart to You

I'm sorry when I've come with my agenda
I'm sorry when I forgot that You're enough
Take me back to where we started
I open up my heart to You.